Sometimes I think I can be rather slow to learn the lessons that the universe is providing me with. On the other hand, I'm grateful that I'm continually getting the chance to learn, and I'm sure I'm further along the path than I used to be.
On Friday, there was a lot going on in our house. My husband was hosting a party for a friend who was getting married, so there was a fair amount of tidying and cleaning to do. The kids and I were going out - me to a girls' night and the kids to another friend's house to be babysat, I'd said I'd take a dish to share for tea at my night out, and the kids needed to be fed before we went. We were staying overnight so there were bags to be packed. And I had overdue library books and books to renew and our mobile library is only in town on Fridays, so despite our business and the fact that no one really actually wanted to go into town (oh I'd wanted groceries but had organised for T to pick them up on his way home when he shopped for the party) I decided that we HAD TO go to the library to sort out my fines etc. In the back of my mind was a reminder that whenever I think I HAVE TO do something it usually doesn't work out well, but a louder voice was telling me that I had no choice, these books needed to sorted out and if I didn't go the fines would be larger, the stress would be greater, I'd be waiting another week or needing to drive to a different library next week(less convenient) - so we had to go. We got there eventually, much later than I'd planned - and, for reasons still unknown - the mobile library wasn't there. So due to factors completely out of my control, I wasn't able to do all these things that I'd insisted that I HAD TO do. Which was a great reminder that obviously they weren't that necessary - if I could not sort it out because the library wasn't open/available, then I could also have chosen to not sort it out because it was too much pressure to add to an already big day (or for any other reason).
It happens quite regularly and I think I am slowly getting better at listening to that quiet little voice - the minute I say I HAVE TO do something, and especially once I really start insisting that there is no choice, an external factor jumps in and prevents the event from happening, or else it happens but it ends up being a disastrous, unenjoyable experience. Like the time that I dragged 3 tired, cranky kids (and myself) to the supermarket when we were way past being able to cope with it, because I HAD TO get milk and bread and nuttelex, we survived the trip, barely, made it home (a half hour drive), 2 kids were asleep by then and when I went to prepare dinner with the stuff I'd insisted we needed - I realised I'd left it at the supermarket. It was too far and too late for me to go back and get it, so we survived quite happily and easily without it until I could get back there a few days later.
What is much more useful is constantly giving myself a choice. When I think I have to do something (or, worse, that I SHOULD do something), its more helpful to stop and rethink - this is important to me, is there a way we can fit it in to our lives today or would it be better to leave it until another time. Often, giving myself permission to not do it, frees me up to find a way to fit it in that isn't stressful. Other times, after I've decided we won't do it, an opportunity turns up which means it gets done anyway (a friend rings and asks if I need anything from the supermarket on her way to visit me, or I get an invitation to mums for dinner so the fact I have no food for tea doesn't matter).
