Yesterday I dropped C off at Girl Guides, and as usual, I said to the other 2 'Just wait in the car for a minute while I take her in, and then I'll be back'. Some weeks they are happy to do this, other weeks they protest - and if we're going to be driving away from there (rather than walking back to the shops) I'd really prefer them to stay, otherwise it turns a 2 minute drop off into a 10-30 minute drop off. (I'll add too that we live in a small town and I feel comfortable leaving them here, I wouldn't do it in other places.) L said that he'd stay in the car, but that if I heard the horn beeping (he can get out of his seatbelt) then I needed to come straight back - he knows that SOMETIMES (you know, every 2nd week or so... maybe more...) I get talking to one of the other mums and it takes me more than a minute to get back. I said 'Don't worry, I will come straight back today, because I want to get going and do the shopping'. He got a bit teary at that, and pointed out that when *I* have something special to do, I rush back, but when its just a case of them not wanting to be in the car, I don't worry about hurrying.
And he's right.
Its usually me who sets the timetable for our outings - often we are doing things that the kids have chosen, but I might throw in an extra item as well (you know, seeing as we're in town, why don't we pop in to the butcher... which can lead to a quick trip in to the supermarket, where I might run in to a friend and have a bit of a chat.... and suddenly we're in a rush to be where we were heading, because I hijacked the agenda) Or, as he pointed out, I'll rush if we're getting to somewhere that I want to go, but give less priority to getting where the kids want to go - not that we don't go, they rarely miss out on their plans, but I clearly don't always give their plans the urgency that mine have. On the surface, in our fairly adult-centred world - this seems acceptable. MY urgent tasks are things like returning library books on time to avoid a fine, picking up food for dinner, getting the mail from the post office. THEIR urgent tasks are exploring the plants along the side of the street where we are walking, playing at the playground, having company and moving on to the next activity rather than waiting around for me to finish chatting.
But its not acceptable for me to give my stuff more priority than theirs. In their eyes, those tasks that I am running around completing do not seem important. Usually they seem boring and are getting in the way of something else they'd rather be doing. The things that they want to do are extremely important to their every day happiness and exploration of their world, and it struck me that its SO important that I value their requests at an equal level to mine. That's not to say that I'm never going to get the shopping done because I'm always doing kid related stuff. Some days they are more than happy to come to the butcher, the supermarket, the library, whatever. Other days they'd prefer to meander. Some days they are happy to play in the car for 5 minutes while I drop C off - other days they really don't want to be in there and would like to walk in with us. And for the sake of my reluctance to get 2 extra kids in and out of the car, is it worth leaving them feeling like their feelings don't matter? I don't think so.
It was an important reminder to me that I'm the one with the car keys and the schedule, so it would be easy for me to slip in to having all the decision making power - which is in no way respectful to my children. If they ask me to hurry back, its important that I do hurry back - even if I don't see a concrete reason for me to do so. If they want to stay somewhere a bit longer, its worth assessing whether the place I was about to rush off to is REALLY so important or whether we can stay and enjoy where we are. And (this is really hard for me), if I've said that its time to go, but a new tangent of conversation starts up with my friend who I'd been talking to - its way too confusing and disrespectful for the kids for me to keep talking and then 10 minutes later round them all up again saying 'come on, I said it was time to go'. Have made big headway with that one recently, I'm really trying to be less contradictory in what I say/do and it does make a big difference to the kids - they feel like their needs are being listened to and that when I say its time to go I don't mean 'its time for you guys to get in the car but I'm going to stand here chatting for a bit longer....'
My first instinct was to point out that shopping was hardly a special thing to do, then I realised that wasn't the point. And he's right.
Friday, 6 January 2012
Saturday, 22 October 2011
I Have to...
Sometimes I think I can be rather slow to learn the lessons that the universe is providing me with. On the other hand, I'm grateful that I'm continually getting the chance to learn, and I'm sure I'm further along the path than I used to be.
On Friday, there was a lot going on in our house. My husband was hosting a party for a friend who was getting married, so there was a fair amount of tidying and cleaning to do. The kids and I were going out - me to a girls' night and the kids to another friend's house to be babysat, I'd said I'd take a dish to share for tea at my night out, and the kids needed to be fed before we went. We were staying overnight so there were bags to be packed. And I had overdue library books and books to renew and our mobile library is only in town on Fridays, so despite our business and the fact that no one really actually wanted to go into town (oh I'd wanted groceries but had organised for T to pick them up on his way home when he shopped for the party) I decided that we HAD TO go to the library to sort out my fines etc. In the back of my mind was a reminder that whenever I think I HAVE TO do something it usually doesn't work out well, but a louder voice was telling me that I had no choice, these books needed to sorted out and if I didn't go the fines would be larger, the stress would be greater, I'd be waiting another week or needing to drive to a different library next week(less convenient) - so we had to go. We got there eventually, much later than I'd planned - and, for reasons still unknown - the mobile library wasn't there. So due to factors completely out of my control, I wasn't able to do all these things that I'd insisted that I HAD TO do. Which was a great reminder that obviously they weren't that necessary - if I could not sort it out because the library wasn't open/available, then I could also have chosen to not sort it out because it was too much pressure to add to an already big day (or for any other reason).
It happens quite regularly and I think I am slowly getting better at listening to that quiet little voice - the minute I say I HAVE TO do something, and especially once I really start insisting that there is no choice, an external factor jumps in and prevents the event from happening, or else it happens but it ends up being a disastrous, unenjoyable experience. Like the time that I dragged 3 tired, cranky kids (and myself) to the supermarket when we were way past being able to cope with it, because I HAD TO get milk and bread and nuttelex, we survived the trip, barely, made it home (a half hour drive), 2 kids were asleep by then and when I went to prepare dinner with the stuff I'd insisted we needed - I realised I'd left it at the supermarket. It was too far and too late for me to go back and get it, so we survived quite happily and easily without it until I could get back there a few days later.
What is much more useful is constantly giving myself a choice. When I think I have to do something (or, worse, that I SHOULD do something), its more helpful to stop and rethink - this is important to me, is there a way we can fit it in to our lives today or would it be better to leave it until another time. Often, giving myself permission to not do it, frees me up to find a way to fit it in that isn't stressful. Other times, after I've decided we won't do it, an opportunity turns up which means it gets done anyway (a friend rings and asks if I need anything from the supermarket on her way to visit me, or I get an invitation to mums for dinner so the fact I have no food for tea doesn't matter).
Thursday, 20 October 2011
Where to start...
I've been planning to start this blog for ages (years...). I finally got as far as creating it - then felt like I had nothing to say. Which is not true, I have lots to stay - I guess I'm anxious about how to get started. Do I do an introductory post or just launch straight into my ideas on parenting, or a description of what we did today. Which led me to think about what I actually want this blog to be about.
I suppose by calling it Respectful Parenting I imply that the posts will be about ways to parent which are based on a philosophy of respect for the child. Which I guess they will be, in part - but my parenting and my relationship with my children informs my whole life these days - that's not to say I spend every moment thinking about and doing things only for them, rather that they have taught me a whole new way to be respectful towards myself, my partner, my children, my family, my friends and everyone I come in contact with, so I feel like I am a better person as a result of the way I decided to parent my children.
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