Yesterday I dropped C off at Girl Guides, and as usual, I said to the other 2 'Just wait in the car for a minute while I take her in, and then I'll be back'. Some weeks they are happy to do this, other weeks they protest - and if we're going to be driving away from there (rather than walking back to the shops) I'd really prefer them to stay, otherwise it turns a 2 minute drop off into a 10-30 minute drop off. (I'll add too that we live in a small town and I feel comfortable leaving them here, I wouldn't do it in other places.) L said that he'd stay in the car, but that if I heard the horn beeping (he can get out of his seatbelt) then I needed to come straight back - he knows that SOMETIMES (you know, every 2nd week or so... maybe more...) I get talking to one of the other mums and it takes me more than a minute to get back. I said 'Don't worry, I will come straight back today, because I want to get going and do the shopping'. He got a bit teary at that, and pointed out that when *I* have something special to do, I rush back, but when its just a case of them not wanting to be in the car, I don't worry about hurrying.
And he's right.
Its usually me who sets the timetable for our outings - often we are doing things that the kids have chosen, but I might throw in an extra item as well (you know, seeing as we're in town, why don't we pop in to the butcher... which can lead to a quick trip in to the supermarket, where I might run in to a friend and have a bit of a chat.... and suddenly we're in a rush to be where we were heading, because I hijacked the agenda) Or, as he pointed out, I'll rush if we're getting to somewhere that I want to go, but give less priority to getting where the kids want to go - not that we don't go, they rarely miss out on their plans, but I clearly don't always give their plans the urgency that mine have. On the surface, in our fairly adult-centred world - this seems acceptable. MY urgent tasks are things like returning library books on time to avoid a fine, picking up food for dinner, getting the mail from the post office. THEIR urgent tasks are exploring the plants along the side of the street where we are walking, playing at the playground, having company and moving on to the next activity rather than waiting around for me to finish chatting.
But its not acceptable for me to give my stuff more priority than theirs. In their eyes, those tasks that I am running around completing do not seem important. Usually they seem boring and are getting in the way of something else they'd rather be doing. The things that they want to do are extremely important to their every day happiness and exploration of their world, and it struck me that its SO important that I value their requests at an equal level to mine. That's not to say that I'm never going to get the shopping done because I'm always doing kid related stuff. Some days they are more than happy to come to the butcher, the supermarket, the library, whatever. Other days they'd prefer to meander. Some days they are happy to play in the car for 5 minutes while I drop C off - other days they really don't want to be in there and would like to walk in with us. And for the sake of my reluctance to get 2 extra kids in and out of the car, is it worth leaving them feeling like their feelings don't matter? I don't think so.
It was an important reminder to me that I'm the one with the car keys and the schedule, so it would be easy for me to slip in to having all the decision making power - which is in no way respectful to my children. If they ask me to hurry back, its important that I do hurry back - even if I don't see a concrete reason for me to do so. If they want to stay somewhere a bit longer, its worth assessing whether the place I was about to rush off to is REALLY so important or whether we can stay and enjoy where we are. And (this is really hard for me), if I've said that its time to go, but a new tangent of conversation starts up with my friend who I'd been talking to - its way too confusing and disrespectful for the kids for me to keep talking and then 10 minutes later round them all up again saying 'come on, I said it was time to go'. Have made big headway with that one recently, I'm really trying to be less contradictory in what I say/do and it does make a big difference to the kids - they feel like their needs are being listened to and that when I say its time to go I don't mean 'its time for you guys to get in the car but I'm going to stand here chatting for a bit longer....'
My first instinct was to point out that shopping was hardly a special thing to do, then I realised that wasn't the point. And he's right.
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